Saturday, January 14, 2012, 2:09 AM
chasing.time.drabble






“Wake up, Choi Siwon. Don’t you think it’s about time you wake up?”




“And your legs, can you walk?”

“Perfectly fine,” I reply to the doctor as he flashes the flashlight across my right eye. “When can I go home?”

I watch as he turns off the flashlight and stuff it into the pockets of his white coat. He doesn’t answer me, but instead scribbles some words onto the prescription pad as I watch. He rips it off and hands it to me. “Just make sure to grab your medication before you leave. I will contact your parents.”




I zip the sweater up. It was a lot shorter than I expected. I turn the sink knob and quickly wash my face. The water had never felt so refreshing before. I reach for the small towel and wipe away the excess water as I stare back at my reflection. I’ve changed, I realized. My features were still there, the small dimples my mother had always been so proud of, the sharp brows-my eyes, everything was the same. Perhaps it was my jaw line? I reach for the reflection staring back at me.

A loud knock, echoing through the empty room brought me back to reality. I threw the towel down and headed out of the restroom. A sigh escapes me, a nervous long sigh. I open the door to the hospital bedroom. Kim Kibum, my best friend, my long time best friend stood in front of me. His eyes were tired, worn. He no longer wore his hair in his usual style. It is now buzzed short, like he had just returned from the army. He folded his arms in front of him, in his jet black suit.

“It’s been a while,” Kibum says as he gives me a small smile. His boyish charms were still evident.

“Felt like yesterday,” I reply, giving him a bigger smile. Kibum’s smile fades away. “Where’s my parents?”

“At the funeral.”

“Funeral?”




“It’s too tiring, Siwon. Won’t you wake up?”


A long breath escapes me. The room suddenly quiets. My mother wipes away her endless tears as she steps aside for me. I’m walking forward. My eyes place on the picture of a girl, smiling back at me with her crescent eyes. Another girl, in her dress stands up, staring at me with tears in her eyes. They had different eyes, but the same lips. “…Siwon.”

Everyone tells me she loved me, loved me more than anything. They said she killed herself; she couldn’t bear the thought of me never waking up again. That in order to be with me, she had to fall into a slumber as deep as mine. So she killed herself.

I do not know her. I cannot remember her. I can’t remember ever seeing her, or meeting her. I can’t remember her laugh, or her voice. I can’t remember those eyes ever smiling at me. I can’t remember anything about her. I can only remember one thing. It was her name.



Lee Yeonhee.




“You’re too cruel. It’s been too long. I’ve been waiting too long.”




“Is it…okay to like you?”

“What, what did you say?” I stare at her, shocked. I nearly dropped all the stacked up books. Yeonhee brushes back her loose bangs before resting her hands together, in front of her. I shuffle the books around, so to not lose my balance. “Don’t kid around with me. Did Kibum put you up to this; is this one of his pranks?”

“I’m not, Siwon,” Yeonhee tells me. She stares back at me with her puppy eyes and her usual pout. “Do you really, not like me?”

“Yeonhee-”

“Do I not make you nervous, nor do you not think of me before you sleep? Do I ever cross your mind; do you ever wonder if I’ve ate, if I’m sleeping, or if I’m thinking of you, Siwon?” I look away from her. I couldn’t hold those eyes in my own and tell her no. “I think of you…all the time. You cross my mind, all the time. What did Siwon eat for breakfast? Which hair tie would Siwon like better? Whenever I see you, I tremble with excitement-butterflies swim around in my stomach, and my heart does this funny thing; it beats, so excitedly, I think I’m going to die.”

A moment of silence falls upon us.

“I think I love you, Choi Siwon.”

“Yeonhee, we’re so young, we have so many years ahead of us-” I couldn’t imagine it, a world without her. It was terrifying. It had always been the three of us, Yeonhee, Kibum, and I. I can’t remember how she came into my life, whether she had always been around, or if I was the one who entered hers. Her constant rambles on how Kibum and I should live our school years, and Kibum’s endless pranks on Yeonhee, I couldn’t imagine myself living without it. I was too used to it; to lose Yeonhee-it would be like losing everything. “-so many people to meet in the future. You probably don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Are you calling my love foolish, because I’m young?” she asks.

“No…I.” I couldn’t finish my sentence. “We have to go.”

“Think about it, Siwon. I’ll wait for an answer.”

I watch as she turns her back on me, with her head down, hands wrapped around her backpack. Love? Impossible. Perhaps she has just grown too used to me by her side. Yes. That was it. That had to be it. We were too young, too young to be in love. If she loves me, then surely she loves Kibum.

I follow her, slowly, keeping my distance. I watch as her brown locks dance softly in the wind, the way her lips purses together as she pouts, and the way she slowly drags herself along the concrete pavement. She turns around, her eyes longing as she waves for me to hurry up.

And then I heard it.

The sound of my heart, beating like crazy.



“Shall I join you, Siwon?”



I sat on the small bed, with the pink posts, and soft white pillows. Slowly, I pick up the small frame and stare long into the picture that smiled back at me. I begin to see her hair dancing in the wind, sounds of her soft laughter begins to play in my ears like music, and my memories, whatever remnants I had of her begin playing in my mind like a black and white movie. She’s smiling, reaching for me, talking but I cannot hear the words that come out of her lips. Something like a dream.

“I had begged her to stop waiting; told her to look at me instead.” Kibum’s voice snaps away my dream, bringing me back to reality. He stares at the frame I held in my hand. Betrayal and hurt begins to dawn upon his eyes, and he wipes away the tears that came rolling out of it. “She said she was going to wait for your answer.”

“You had asked me…if it was okay to like her.” He takes a seat next to me. “I had told you it was okay.” Kibum reaches into his pockets. He pulls out a small wrinkled paper, crumbled, and sprinkled with red spots. “If she liked you, too. You were on your way when it happened. She never got your answer.” He hands me the paper, scribbled with my writings on it. “I keep telling myself, I’ll give her the paper the next day. A day become a month, a month became a year. Before I knew it, fifteen years flew by.”

Kibum leaves.

I slowly open the crumbled piece of paper. It was ancient, beyond repairable. It was amazing Kibum had kept it in this shape.

I take a seat on the small chair of her room. A spot where she may have sat many times, crying over me. I was scared, I was afraid I will remember her. I’m afraid to remember her. I didn’t have the courage.

The paper crackles, threatening to rip apart. The writing was barely legible.

‘I like you. I like you so much I think I’m crazy.’





“What to do, Siwon? I don’t think I can wait any longer.”



“Have you ever…” I stare out at the gray clouds. Something about it makes me grow fonder, and I begin to find myself thinking about Yeonhee. There’s a yearning in my heart, a void that’s beginning to grow. I long to hear her voice, to see her face, or just to simply have her in my presence. “Have you ever, missed Yeonhee?”

Kibum laughs. He looks up from his desk. “Yah, Choi Siwon, are you okay?”

“No, no,” I turn away from the window. I walk over to my desk, next to Kibum’s. “I’m going crazy. I can’t stop thinking of her. I worry if she’s cold, I worry if she’s doing okay-like today, I worry if she’s lonely, walking home without us.”

“You, are you, by any chance-”

“Kibum-ah, is it okay to like Yeonhee?” I ask, cutting him off. Kibum stops and stares at me, with a dumbfounded face. “I mean, if I like her, will anything be different between the three of us?”

An awkward laugh escapes from Kibum and he looks away, back down to his papers. He starts writing again. “I don’t see why anything should have to change between the three of us.” I look at him as he carries on with his writing, still waiting for a definite answer. Kibum stops. “Of course, it’s okay, Siwon. If Yeonhee likes you, too.”

“Really?” I ask. Suddenly, it felt like a whole lot had been taken off my shoulders. Kibum was okay with it. I reach for one of his blank papers, scribbling down on it. As soon as I finish, I folded it. “I’m leaving; I’ll call you at home later, to tell you how it went.”

I run down the stairs. I couldn’t hold in my happiness. Where to begin? I didn’t even know. Where would Yeonhee be? I run out of the school, the cold air blowing in my face. My eyes searching, as if I look hard enough, I might just find her in front of me. Nothing was impossible. Nothing.

There’s a loud ringing in my ears, a honk.

Pain. I can feel the pain surging through me. I can feel myself hitting the hard concrete floor, the soft warm liquid trickling down my face. Blood. I can taste it on my lips. I open my eyes, trying to force myself up but I couldn’t feel my legs. Yeonhee. I had to give her an answer. I see Kibum’s face in front of me, but I can’t hear him. He sounds so far, too far away from me.

Everything silences. The world falls into a deep slumber, and the darkness, it envelopes me in.










I take a long deep breath. My hands reach down to the door handle. It was hard, everyday was hard. It was all the same. And I know it will all be the same. I will step beyond these doors and nothing will change. Nothing will ever change. But I can’t help but hope. Maybe today will be different. Maybe, just maybe, Choi Siwon will wake up.

The soft breathing, accompanied by the constant beeping calms down my heart, but I cannot help but be disappointed. I close the doors behind me. I walk in and set the bag onto the table. The flowers were changed. Kibum’s been by. Kibum always leaves purple tulips. Because I love purple tulips. It lights up this dreary room.

“I had a hard day, today.” The only response I received was the beeping, but I was used to it. I walk over to the sink, filling the basin with warm water, reaching for the clean towel. “Sometimes, I wonder, if you’d make it all better if you were here. ‘Oh, Yeonhee, it’s okay. Yeonhee, I’m here. Don’t worry.’”

I take the basin with me as I walk back over to Siwon, lying, as calm as ever, in his deep slumber. I take the seat by his side. I’ve sat here before, many times, too many. It’s become part of me. Slowly, and carefully, I reach for Siwon’s arm. “When I was younger, I thought I was special-to have you by my side. I thought, when I grow up, I’d become someone more special to you. But it wasn’t true. I’ve become more pathetic. I...am not that special, am I?”

The silence is deafening, and the constant beep reminds me it was the only thing alive. I blink away the tears building. It was pathetic to cry. I continue wiping his arm. “Wake up, Choi Siwon. Don’t you think it’s about time you wake up?”

No answer. Siwon never answers. Not in the past fifteen years. He’s never answered me. I’m still waiting. My eyes trace over to his face. These brows, his lips, even his soft heaves of breath, everything was etched beyond memories. I can see him in my sleep. Nothing ever changes. “It’s too tiring, Siwon. Won’t you wake up? You’re too cruel. It’s been too long. I’ve been waiting too long.”

I bite my lips. I can’t fight my tears. They stream down, easily. Choi Siwon had this effect on me, even if all he ever did was close his eyes. “Come back,” I beg. I reach for his face, my hands softly brushing upon him, scared of hurting him. But Siwon doesn’t feel pain, he doesn’t feel anything. “It’s okay, I don’t need an answer. I don’t need anything. So, please, Choi Siwon, just come back. Come back to me. I, really, don’t want to be like Romeo and Juliet. I don’t care if our love isn’t as great-even if you don’t love me-please, come back, Siwon.”

I rest his palms against my cheek. His touch, how I long for his touch. This pain, this unbearable pain, I cannot take it anymore. The thought of losing, the thought of hurting, it was too much. I cannot bear to lose Siwon again, even though I’ve lost all of him. “Shall I join you, Siwon? If you’re not coming back, shall I join you?” I cry. It was pathetic. But it didn’t feel pathetic. It felt right. It was the only way I can escape. “I think, now, it’s your turn.”





“Now, it’s your turn.”




It’s quiet. Too quiet for my liking. Everyone’s waiting. They’re all watching. They all told she loved me, that she had lived everyday waiting for me. Fate was too cruel, they tell me. Her sister had bid me the best, saying Yeonhee would have wanted that. Because she loved me.

But I cannot remember her.

And as I watch every bits of her fly into the wind, I’m reminded of her. Her hair’s dancing in the wind, crescent eyes smiling back at me. I can hear her laughter-somewhere far away from here. And she’s slipping, slipping through my fingers.

Lee Yeonhee was leaving me.


There’s a void, starting to grow in my heart.




Lee Yeonhee has left me.
version.
Remembering Yesterday, v.1



annyeong.
I just messed up my page. TT.TT I know the black and white is an eyesore, but bear with me. I'm going to change it soon. >.< I hate you, dreamweaver.


where.to.go
home. affies. make.me.a.trailer.woman. pick.me.up.


let.me.scribble.
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sing.to.me